Design intentional growth-paths for any area of life.
Connect with your values and clarify what matters.
Build value-aligned visions to orient attention.
Establish deep, intentional motivations.
FROM THE COURSE NOTES5 PREVIEW PAGES
Crafting Value-Aligned VisionsCOURSE PAGE 7SQUARE ONE
Crafting Value-Aligned Visions
A personal vision is a clear picture of the life you want to live based on what truly
matters to you.
• It orients your choices consciously and concentrates your energy.
• It doesn’t have to be flashy, huge or external. Just something you want.
o Example: "I want to improve my fitness and thinking patterns around my body”
If you can see it clearly, you move toward it.
How to Form Visions for Key Life Areas:
ORIENTING TOOL: Sketch out
1. Choose any area of your life (not exclusive to this list) your heaven and your hell
o Education, career, relationships, mental health, Imagining what you don’t want your
physical health, hobbies, skills, character, etc. life (and yourself) to be in the future
is an extremely powerful tool for
2. Describe how you want it to look
reorienting yourself away from that.
o Write in third person, present tense how you
want this area to look in your ideal world.
o Your vision should touch who you really are and what you really care about. To
mean something, it should be rooted in your deepest values and motivation.
3. Make it high resolution
o Be detailed. Include as many specifics as
possible. Picture it in your mind. YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW
4. Update your vision over time You don’t need to know exactly what
o You are always changing. A good vision evolves
you want. You just need to start
as you do. thinking about it. That’s the idea.
o Keep it fresh and connected to who you are now.
o This is a continuous process—like looking at a compass—not a one-time thing.
The Secrets of a Good Vision:
• Don’t build your vision out of attachment (craving, needy, addictive feelings), but out
of love (peaceful, joyful, kind feelings).
• Visions aren’t about seeking future destinations. They’re about consciously shaping
your life trajectory as a form of self-care.
• The very process of self-alignment is where meaning is found. Fulfilment is not
found in achieving the vision, but in the journey toward it – in the living.
Module 1 7 / 21Crafting Visions: Where We Go WrongCOURSE PAGE 8SQUARE ONE
Crafting Visions: Where We Go Wrong
Beware visions rooted in attachment.
• Establishing motivations and visions rooted in attachment (“I need this in order to be
happy”) leads to suffering, because they are extensions of a sense of lack.
o If your vision is grounded in love (“this is an expression of happiness / gratitude
/ connection”), your happiness won’t be staked on achieving specific outcomes
▪ When we are focused on alignment, we are unattached to outcomes.
• Litmus tests for attachment:
o Is there kindness to myself and others involved?
o Do my vision make me feel feelings of craving, insecurity and inferiority – or
gratitude, connection and meaning?
o Do I feel like I need this to be happy, or like a happy me would do this?
Beware the need to control.
• Visions are not about controlling the future and rigidly mapping out every
microdetail, they are about shifting from an unconscious to a conscious trajectory.
• You also don’t need a dramatic “life vision.” You can go smaller: imagine what the
next six to twelve months could look like if you were living intentionally.
o We can have ‘visions’ for different areas of our lives – over periods even as
small as 2 weeks to 2 years. Think about whatever helps you to think about.
o Revisit and adjust visions if you need to. You’re a changing being — comparing
yourself to an old ideal is self-aggression.
o The point isn’t really to arrive somewhere – but to embark on a journey
towards what is calling to you. It’s a call to adventure.
• Visions are simply being authentic to yourself about the things that make you happy.
o If you don’t decide, someone else will decide for you.
Module 1 8 / 21What Happens if Things Don’t Go to Plan?COURSE PAGE 9SQUARE ONE
What Happens if Things Don’t Go to Plan?
Things don’t always go to plan. It’s not a problem – it’s a certainty of life.
• Challenging situations are positive, because they are invitations to transform how
we relate to adversity and uncertainty.
o They are golden opportunities to work with our emotions, our thoughts, and
our relationship with ourselves.
o Through them, we build resilience and equanimity.
• It can be upsetting when things don’t go the way we want. But it’s what we do in
response to our feelings and thoughts that determines whether or not we suffer.
o One mindset is: “This is unfair. I don’t deserve this. Everything is ruined.”
o Another is: “This is good. I can use this. This is an opening, not a closing.”
• Our mindset shapes everything. We can change mindsets like we change clothes.
o Try this on: “Every experience is a chance to work on my relationship with
reality. To learn how to accept, love and embrace whatever comes my way.”
o This is called openness. With this approach, whatever happens is okay. It is no
longer about things going a specific way, but learning to flow with life.
o This is how you liberate yourself from attachment to outcomes: by realising it’s
okay whatever happens, because every experience is the teacher.
Module 1 9 / 21Using Vision to Make You More PresentCOURSE PAGE 10SQUARE ONE
Using Vision to Make You More Present
Although visions are future-oriented, we use them as tools to be more present.
• Without a clear aim, we generally become impulsive and comfort-seeking because
we have nothing better to do (unless we are exploring, creating, or connecting.)
o A life of self-distraction and chasing after fleeting pleasures is empty of
connection and meaning. In seeking and avoiding, there is suffering.
o A vision can help pull us out of chaos.
o If you have a clear aim grounded in what is important to you, then there is
clarity in your mind, and you will have energy and focus
▪ Visions help us rise above distraction, impulse, and endless
pleasure-seeking by providing an outlet for our energy.
▪ Visions call us to action, excellence, and to challenge ourselves.
o In this way, our visions don’t pull us away from the present – they make us
more present by waking us up from reactive lives. By making us conscious of
where we’re going and what we’re doing.
• We don’t need to be at our vision to be happy. It’s simply an orienting practice: “what
direction, if I had any say, would make me feel better to be moving towards?”
o It’s not about thinking of a ‘perfect life’ – it’s about getting into the habit of
thinking through your life and setting yourself an intentional direction.
o Practice the skill of giving yourself a direction. EVEN BADLY.
▪ The alternative is being lost, aimless and unmotivated. Not free, but
enslaved to your bodily impulses and social conditioning.
Module 1 10 / 21Compassionate MotivationCOURSE PAGE 13SQUARE ONE
Compassionate Motivation
• We can connect to a compassionate motivation for bettering our lives. This lightens
the mind, makes us feel connected, and reminds us how good it feels to live kindly.
o “In helping myself, I help others. In helping others, I help myself.”
o Such a motivation is powerful because it removes attachment and ego from our
goals, which stops the misery of obsessing about our own happiness.
▪ Your mind gets smaller and smaller thinking just about yourself. But
thinking about the world, about those around you, you open up.
• Often, we have this idea we are working on ourselves or bettering our lives alone. But
we can reframe self-work as a form of compassion to everybody else.
o When you are at peace in yourself, you are at peace with others. When you
are in conflict with yourself, you are in conflict with the world.
▪ Therefore, helping yourself is helping others. It has a ripple effect.
o Everybody has struggles, and by bettering your life you remove fuel from the
fire, inspire others, and lead by example.
o Living in value-alignment, growing, and being present spreads joy and the
courage to live a better life to others. It helps you, and it helps them.
▪ Not to mention… what’s the alternative? If not love, what energy are we
putting out into the world?
“When you are a light to yourself you are a light to the world,
because the world is you, and you are the world.”
- J. Krishnamurti
• In this description, incorporating others into our mindset and being compassionate
isn’t a moral necessity. It’s a rational choice.
o It’s cause and effect. It actually just makes us happier people. Why?
▪ Because obsessively thinking about ourselves creates suffering. And
helping others feel good, feels good.
▪ When we consider the betterment of ourselves and others, that is
when we flourish most and feel best.
• Even simple shifts like focusing on the other person instead of
yourself in conversation reduce anxiety and self-consciousness.
▪ Kindness is a mindset of abundance. Only defensive, fearful and
scarcity mindsets feel that they cannot afford kindness.
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02Transcending Impulsivity
Set goals as outlets for growth and presence.
Distil visions into concrete goals and key actions.
Build structure to channel motivation.
Detach self-worth and happiness from achievement.
FROM THE COURSE NOTES5 PREVIEW PAGES
The Nature and Purpose of GoalsCOURSE PAGE 2SQUARE ONE
The Nature and Purpose of Goals
Goals are targets which we aim at.
• A goal is a specific and concrete future state which you intentionally move towards.
o For example, getting a personal best in a maths test, saving $10,000, doing 100
push-ups
• Goals give us structure, order and direction by providing a focus for our actions.
Goals are vehicles for personal growth – not destinations which make us happy.
• Goals create the conditions for us to grow
o Goals challenge us to move beyond comfort-seeking tendencies which make us
stagnate and feel empty.
• Goals are how we achieve things that take time
o By concentrating our energies in a particular place over time, we can gain deep
knowledge, develop difficult skills, and build character.
Goals help us live intentionally, rather than impulsively.
• Goals counteract a purely impulsive life governed by
fleeting desires and fears.
o They flow from our values, and direct us towards
a life we actually want – not just what we feel in
the moment.
• Goals are expressions of self-care.
o Goals reflect our decision to water positive seeds
and shape our lives for the better.
Module 2 2 / 20WARNING: The Danger of Being Outcome OrientedCOURSE PAGE 3SQUARE ONE
WARNING: The Danger of Being Outcome Oriented
Goals are healthy, but attachment to outcomes will make you miserable.
• Being outcome-oriented is when you only place value on achieving the end goal, and
not the journey to it.
o When the only thing that matters to you is getting to a specific outcome.
▪ Example: Going to the gym because you want a certain body but not
learning to love and value the training itself.
▪ Example: Studying really hard for an exam, but feeling like you failed and it
was pointless if you didn’t get the results you wanted.
• What’s the harm?
o Fixating on future outcomes renders the entire
process of pursuing your goal meaningless, making
it insufferable, and keeping you miserable.
▪ 99.9% of your time is working towards your
goal, not at it.
▪ If we don’t learn to appreciate each moment
of the journey as valuable, we will spend our
whole life feeling a sense of lack other than
fleeting moments of achievement.
The Greek myth of Tantalus – condemned
to hunger with food always out of reach
o Placing all the emphasis on the end state makes us forget how to love our lives
as they are.
▪ E.g. Being obsessed with the outcome of owning a house makes you
constantly feel like your life isn’t going well until you get it, despite having
good relationships and doing impactful work.
▪ E.g. Needing to be the best player in your team makes you constantly feel like
you’re failing even though you’re training hard and growing.
o Attaching self-worth to the final result only causes stress, anxiety, and a
constant fear of failure.
Module 2 3 / 20Using Goals Healthily (1/2)COURSE PAGE 4SQUARE ONE
Using Goals Healthily (1/2)
How can we have goals without being outcome-obsessed?
• By staying VALUE-ORIENTED and PROCESS-FOCUSED
o Value-oriented means focusing on doing things which are
meaningful to you, rather than on achieving an end result
▪ It also means learning to find meaning and value in the
steps you take towards your goal.
o Process-focused means focusing only on the journey itself.
▪ It’s caring more about how you’re playing than what the
score is.
▪ Let go of the outcome and show up fully for the moment.
• Use goals to live well – not to get somewhere.
o Every goal creates a context and situations to practice the art of living well: to
better your perspective, your mindset, your patterns of self-talk, your relationship
with adversity, your skills, your consistency, your organisation, your compassion,
your mindfulness, and your wisdom – every single day.
▪ It’s not about getting anywhere – but living fruitfully along the way.
• Pursuing a goal gives you opportunities to grow, flourish and achieve excellence.
o BUT THERE IS NO END DESTINATION TO GROWING.
▪ Desiring some final end-state of “being grown” or
“flourished” or having “achieved excellence” is just
attachment to another end-result and outcome
o Like a flower blooming, there is simply growing.
▪ It is the very process of expansion — the process of
grow-ing, flourish-ing, learn-ing, connect-ing,
pursu-ing excellence — which is meaningful.
Module 2 4 / 20Using Goals Healthily (2/2)COURSE PAGE 5SQUARE ONE
Using Goals Healthily (2/2)
EXAMPLES OF FOCUSING ON PROCESS OVER OUTCOME:
1. “What ATAR do you want?”
People would always ask me what ATAR I wanted in high school. I always gave them a
confused look and said: “The question doesn’t make sense. I don’t want a specific ATAR.”
I would say: “All I can do is do my best, and that will give me the best ATAR I can get. That’s
the ATAR I want. That’s my goal.” – And I would just focus on the process of studying better,
improving my writing, improving my maths, getting feedback, staying physically healthy,
sleeping well, and finding new ways to improve. Without a desired outcome or any
expectations – simply surrendering to the process – the process became joyful.
2. “Are you trying to be a black belt?”
Last year, I started training in jiu jitsu. People often ask if I am trying to move to higher belts –
blue belt, purple belt, black belt. I just reply and say: “I don’t think about that. I’m just going
to show up three days a week for the rest of my life.”
TWO APPROACHES TO PURSUING GOALS
Outcome Oriented Person Value Aligned Person
▪ Doesn’t stake happiness on goals. Uses goals for
▪ Achieved previous goal, did not get happy, set a
life structure, value-alignment and outlets for
new goal.
personal growth
▪ “If I achieve this next goal, then I can be happy” ▪ Focuses on the process. Lost in the joy of growing.
▪ Measures success by effort, not outcome. Is
▪ Obsessed with “Success” and “Making it” always “making it” because sees nowhere else to
be other than the journey.
▪ Is present: not seeking a different experience to
▪ Feels “behind” and constantly compares
the one they are having.
▪ Views adversity as a ‘mistake’, ‘failure’ or ‘not ▪ Views adversity as natural and as another
being good enough’ opportunity to learn.
▪ Pursues a vague idea of “Happiness”—always ▪ Pursues personal flourishing, excellence of skill
located in the future and good character solely for the present joy of it
Module 2 5 / 20DON’T STAKE YOUR HAPPINESS ON GOALSCOURSE PAGE 6SQUARE ONE
DON’T STAKE YOUR HAPPINESS ON GOALS
Note: Here the word ‘happiness’ doesn’t refer to impermanent highs or ecstatic experiences.
It means contentment and peace – the absence of the sense that something is missing.
• Goals are tools for creating change, not happiness.
o Contentment, peace – happiness – is only ever found
in the present moment, right now.
▪ It comes from being present with the ups and
downs of life – not from seeking future states.
▪ You don’t need to get anywhere or become
anything different to be at peace in yourself.
▪ “There is nothing more to get from this moment
than this moment” – Daniel Domig
• Life is better thought of like art, dance, and music:
“If getting to the end was the point, then the musicians who could play their
instruments the fastest would be considered the best ones.” – Alan Watts
THE TIGHTROPE?
ON THE ONE HAND, WE HAVE OUR VISION AND GOALS – AND
ON THE OTHER HAND, WE WANT TO REMAIN PRESENT.
• There is no inherent contradiction.
o Living with value alignment, pursuing value-aligned
goals whole-heartedly – makes you more present
• Visions and goals are tools to help us live intentionally,
rather than impulsively. Actively, rather than
reactively.
o They stop us falling into distractibility, hedonism,
impulsivity, and rumination on unhelpful things –
creating a positive focus for our lives.
• Long-term vs short-term orientation is about how far into the future you intend to
impact. Presence is about being fully here now, regardless of what you do.
Module 2 6 / 20
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03Automating Success
Master the science of building and breaking habits.
Understand the structure of habit-loops.
Use evidence-based techniques to shape habits.
Rewire patterns with mindfulness practices.
FROM THE COURSE NOTES5 PREVIEW PAGES
HABITS: AUTOMATING SUCCESSCOURSE PAGE 2Square One
HABITS: AUTOMATING SUCCESS
What Are Habits?
• Habits are automatic, conditioned behaviours: Things you
do in autopilot mode without thinking about doing them.
o They are recurring responses to specific
environmental and mental cues.
▪ Example: You walk into the kitchen and
immediately open the fridge when you see
it—even if you’re not hungry.
• Most habits form and operate unconsciously, through
repeated reward seeking or punishment avoidance.
o But with conscious awareness we can make and break any habit we want.
▪ Example: You notice you scroll TikTok every night in bed and lose sleep, so you
start plugging your phone in across the room and reading instead.
Habits are Good Servants, but Bad Masters
• Habits take over – for better or worse
o They can override what we decide or plan to do in the moment
▪ Example: You want to eat healthily, but still reach for
chocolate every night out of habit
o This means that bad habits can derail our intentions – and
good habits can keep us on track.
• Habits are how we make hard things easy.
o Good habits stop day-to-day fluctuations in our mood and
motivation from derailing us.
o They help us stay consistent, even when we don’t feel like it.
Module 3 2 / 25Your Habits Determine Your LifeCOURSE PAGE 3Square One
Your Habits Determine Your Life
Your character is the sum of your mental and physical habits.
And as Heraclitus said: “Character is fate.”
“Sow a thought and you reap an action;
sow an act and you reap a habit;
sow a habit and you reap a character;
sow a character and you reap a destiny.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
To Achieve a Goal, Forget it. Focus on Habits.
• Goals are important to orient ourselves in the world. Without a clear aim, we can feel lost
and have no outlet for personal growth.
o But just setting goals doesn't help you achieve them, and can make you overly
outcome-oriented.
o To achieve a goal, focus on the causes which produce it → Focus on Habits
• We don’t rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our habits
o Our minimum standards, not our aspirations, determine what we become.
o Set a goal → Focus on habits → Arrive at goal → Retain healthy habits
▪ Example: Instead of focusing on: "I want a 6 pack", do sit-ups every day.
▪ Example: Instead of focusing on: "I want good grades", focus on daily study.
Module 3 3 / 25The Secret of Change: Focus on Cause-and-Effect RelationshipsCOURSE PAGE 4Square One
The Secret of Change: Focus on Cause-and-Effect Relationships
Causes and Conditions
• A goal (and anything) is the culmination of specific causes and
environmental conditions
▪ Example: Good grades are caused by studying, and
favourable conditions which cause studying are good
sleep, good food, hydration and exercise
• Goals are caused by habits. And habits themselves are the
result of specific causes and environmental conditions
▪ Without a repetitive cause for a habit, there can’t be a
repetitive response, and so there can be no habit.
▪ Without appropriate environmental conditions, good
habits won’t stick – and bad habits will keep recurring.
Causes and Conditions of Habits
• The immediate cause of a habit is called a cue, or a trigger.
o Example: Alarm noise → get up, brush teeth
o Example: Phone vibrate → reach for phone
• Conditions are background causes which support
or enable the habit (they can be mental or external)
o Example (Positive): A tidy desk makes it easier
to study
o Example (Negative): Low self-worth makes
doomscrolling more likely
o Conditions don’t directly trigger the habit, but
they create the environment for it to thrive.
KEY: To build or break a habit, cultivate or remove the causes and conditions for it.
Module 3 4 / 25The Structure of a HabitCOURSE PAGE 5Square One
The Structure of a Habit
Habits function in predictable, self-reinforcing loops.
Stage Explanation
▪ The trigger that initiates the habit loop.
Cue ▪ It can be external (notification sound) or internal (stress).
▪ Without a trigger, a habit cannot arise.
Example: Hearing your phone buzz.
▪ A sensation of desire from associating the cue with past pleasure.
Craving
Example: The strong, physical urge to pick up your phone and check
messages after the buzz.
▪ The behaviour you do automatically in response to the cue.
Response
Example: Picking up your phone and falling into scrolling.
▪ The positive feeling you get from doing the habitual behaviour.
Reward
Example: The momentary stress-relief from scrolling on your phone.
Module 3 5 / 25Hacking the Habit Loop to Build and Break HabitsCOURSE PAGE 6Square One
Hacking the Habit Loop to Build and Break Habits
Target the 4 stages of the Habit loop to effectively build and break habits.
Breaking a Habit Building a Habit
1. Remove the Cue 1. Add a Cue
Make it invisible. Reduce exposure to triggers Make it obvious. Design a clear and consistent
or environments that initiate the habit. trigger to start the habit.
2. Melt the Craving with Mindfulness 2. Strengthen the Craving
Notice the urge without acting on it, feel it flow Make it attractive. Focus your mind on why
in your body for 90 seconds. It will pass. you’re doing it and what the benefit will be
3. Block and Change the Response 3. Ensure the Response
Make it hard to do the negative habit, and easy Make it easy to do the positive habit by starting
to do a positive replacement habit small and changing your environment
4. Replace the Reward 4. Add the Reward
Mentally celebrate the win, reward yourself – Recognise and feel your win. Do something
warm tea, take a sun break, light a candle nice – warm shower, music, small snack
Module 3 6 / 25
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04Training The Mind
Transform the mind we live with every day.
Recognise and refute negative thinking traps.
Replace limiting beliefs with growth mindsets.
Cultivate compassion, resilience and openness.
FROM THE COURSE NOTES5 PREVIEW PAGES
TURNING INWARDSCOURSE PAGE 2SQUARE ONE
TURNING INWARDS
Thoughts and Thinking
• Thoughts are words and images which arise in the mind.
o They are labels and stories put onto raw experience, or imaginations
constructed using memory.
o Put simply: anything that is not the five senses—anything that is not this
current unlabelled experience—is a thought.
• Most thinking happens on autopilot. It is habitual, reactive, and automatic.
o Thoughts constantly pop up on their own, either as reactions to stimuli
or as habits of the mind.
▪ Don’t believe it? Try it: See if you can sit still for five minutes
without having a single thought.
o Because thinking is habitual, it can be changed.
• The content of our thoughts is conditioned by the past – by what we have seen
and heard and absorbed over time.
o Thoughts are made out of our past experiences, they are repetitions,
rearrangements and reactions of memory to present experience.
▪ Can you think about something completely detached from – not a
remix of – your experiences?
• Thoughts are not good or bad. They just happen. Sometimes they are helpful
and help us solve problems, and sometimes – as in cases of insecurity or self-
comparison – they are unhelpful, unwanted, and hurt us deeply.
o Like feelings, all thoughts are impermanent. They come, and they go.
• Thoughts shape our feelings.
o Thoughts colour our perceptions and experience of reality.
o It is not situations which upset us, but our thoughts about them.
▪ Reflection: If you take away the past and the future, what is
missing from this moment?
Module 4 2 / 28The Power of Self-TalkCOURSE PAGE 3SQUARE ONE
The Power of Self-Talk
Negative Self-Talk
• Negative self-talk is when we speak meanly and
judgementally to ourselves and our situations – as if we
are unworthy of happiness or kindness.
o Often repetitive and distressing, it is thought
and speech which is harsh, unproductive and
causes suffering.
o It is a form of aggression against ourselves – a
kind of psychological violence and self-harm.
o Often unnoticed and ignored for years, it quietly
sows stress into the body.
• Why is negative self-talk harmful? Why shouldn’t we accept it?
o It turns your mind against itself —creating
inner conflict and pulling you into loops of
doubt, worry, and judgment.
o It distorts your identity — repeated thoughts
like “I’m not enough” slowly become beliefs
about who you are, shrinking your confidence
and your willingness to explore.
o It erodes your inner safety — when your own
mind attacks you, peace and rest becomes
impossible, making you feel exhausted and
drained.
o It spills into your relationships — the way
you speak to yourself shapes your tone,
mood, and presence, affecting how you
connect, respond, and relate to others.
Module 4 3 / 28Negative self-talk is not us, and it can be transformed.COURSE PAGE 4SQUARE ONE
• Negative self-talk is not us, and it can be transformed.
o Self-talk is a habitual pattern which forms through
conditioning over time. Therefore, like any habit, it
can be changed.
We can change negative self-talk with a 4-step process:
1. Recognise and refute negative thinking traps
2. Replace thoughts with helpful, kind and realistic
self-talk
3. Reset with mindfulness and self-compassion
4. Respond with action to shift our mood
STEP 1: Recognising & Refuting Negative Thinking Traps
• Although they can feel uniquely personal to us,
negative thoughts tend to be quite predictable and
follow common patterns.
o Recognising negative thoughts as thoughts –
as predictable patterns of the mind – helps
create distance between us and the thoughts.
▪ A thought is not reality. A thought is not
you. It is just a reaction of the mind to the
difficult situation or emotion.
▪ Realising that the exact same thinking
pattern appears in many people, we see
our mind is playing a predictable trick,
and that the specifics are irrelevant.
▪ Upon recognising the faulty pattern of
thought, we can begin to refute it.
• If we can recognise that negative thinking traps are
unhelpful, untrue, and lead us into loops of suffering
– we can catch them out and indulge in them far less.
Module 4 4 / 28Reality-Testing BeliefsCOURSE PAGE 20SQUARE ONE
Reality-Testing Beliefs
• Like everything, your mental and emotional state is the
result of specific causes.
o If negative emotions persist, there are persistent
causes in place for them.
• Causes of negative emotions could be mental or physical.
o Mental causes include thoughts, beliefs, attitudes,
trauma responses, and habits of mind—like
recurring self-criticism or harsh inner dialogue.
o Physical causes could include difficult situations,
avoiding responsibilities, unresolved relationship
problems, lack of exercise, or not finding a purpose
challenging enough to bring the most out of you.
• In both cases, there is always something in our power to change.
o Denying that some things are outside of our control will create suffering.
o But focusing solely on things outside our control is exhausting and avoidant.
▪ Self-care is removing causes of distress and adding causes of vitality.
• We can measure how accurate our beliefs are by seeing what actually helps.
o If we believe only external institutional forces cause our pain, we can ask:
how is this worldview going for me? Does this belief improve my life?
o And if we think all pain is our fault – does this help in every situation?
• Like scientists, we can test different hypotheses and refine our model of reality:
o “My emotional state is driven by my physical health — exercise, food, sleep”
o “My emotional state is random and uncaused.”
o “My mood is related to how well I do at school or work”
o “The quality of my relationships is based on how good of a listener I am.”
• Hypothesise, test, refine – and notice what truly changes your state.
o Your model of reality is “true” to the degree it works. What else would truth
mean? The more aligned we are with reality, the less friction we face.
• It’s comfortable to live inside worldviews that place the responsibility for our
suffering outside of ourselves. But does this increase or reduce our suffering?
• Be careful of resentful explanations. Victimising ourselves denies our agency and
deepens pain. There’s always something within our control we can change.
Module 4 20 / 28Do we need beliefs?COURSE PAGE 21SQUARE ONE
Do we need beliefs?
• Beliefs make us feel certain, secure.
o This leads us to try maintain and rigidly defend them – which is insecurity,
arising from seeking to uphold, defend and maintain a feeling of security.
▪ Security cannot exist without insecurity. As soon as we feel security,
there is the need to defend it – insecurity.
• Do we need to be caught in this war of opposites?
• Pause and reflect: What is between security and no-security?...
• Identifying ourselves with beliefs creates attachment to them, because when
the belief is under threat, we feel like we are under threat.
▪ When we identify ourselves with a belief, the body’s survival mechanism
kicks in when the belief gets threatened, causing stress, anxiety, fear.
▪ When faced with evidence which conflicts with our beliefs, we tend to ignore
it – or otherwise become aggressive, rigid, and defensive.
o But in the absence of beliefs, what is missing from this moment?
• Beliefs are the past we carry.
o Pause and take a moment: What do you believe right now, if you take away
the past and the future?...
o If an answer came up: what are you without that belief?...
Module 4 21 / 28
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05Breaking Cycles
Turn adversity into the path of meaning.
Reclaim control from self-destructive behaviour.
Learn interventions for getting unstuck.
Build a personal circuit-breaker toolkit.
FROM THE COURSE NOTES6 PREVIEW PAGES
Breaking Out of Cyclical PatternsCOURSE PAGE 2SQUARE ONE
Breaking Out of Cyclical Patterns
Cyclical Patterns
In life, we can fall into cyclical patterns which do not serve us.
• These behaviours are habitual and often run counter
to our goals, undermining our conscious intentions,
values and plans.
o We seem to do certain behaviours despite
wishing we didn’t.
• Cyclical patterns occur when we are not fully
conscious of our reactions.
Self-Destructiveness
• Self-destructive behaviours are a specific kind of cyclical pattern – unfolding
reactively, habitually, and often unconsciously
o By working against our wishes to better our lives, they can leave us feeling
stuck, despondent, and hopeless.
What fuels self-destructiveness?
• In all cases, self-destructive behaviours are habitual, unhealthy reactions to some
form of discomfort or pain – whether it is stress, craving, or sadness:
1. We experience uncomfortable situations, emotions,
and physical feelings. It can feel like we can’t handle
them, or don’t know what to do.
2. In an attempt to cope, we rush to cover them up,
spiralling into unhealthy behaviours which give us the
illusion of control, or short-lived distraction.
3. The self-destructive and avoidant behaviours fail to
address the true causes of the suffering, often leading
to deeper pain, shame, self-punishment and greater
problems afterwards — reinforcing the cycle.
Module 5 2 / 33Meeting Self-DestructivenessCOURSE PAGE 3SQUARE ONE
Common situations for self-destructive behaviours:
• Procrastination from stress in the pursuit of a goal (avoidance loop)
• Self-distraction in response to existential anxiety or loneliness (void-filling)
• Pleasure-seeking and cravings as with drugs or pornography (addiction, loneliness)
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms in response to difficult emotions or life situation.
Meeting Self-Destructiveness
• Because self-destructive patterns are impulsive reactions
to pain, it is essential they are met with compassion
o If somebody came to a doctor with a broken arm or
leg, the doctor doesn’t attack them for being injured –
but rushes to help treat them immediately.
• Self-destructive habits arise out of confusion and
suffering, they are automatic responses which we can
consciously readjust with practice.
o There is a learning process to skilfully working with
suffering.
• Ingrained habits take time and gentleness to dissolve
o Knowing that their cause is pain, we can be patient with their persistence,
forgiving for their occurrence and gentle with our feelings.
o Since they are imprints of the past, we do not need to identify self-
sabotaging habits as who we are.
Since cyclical patterns are habitual, they can be transformed.
• We are not stuck with any behaviour or thinking pattern in life.
o The brain can rewire itself at any age based on what we
repeatedly do and think – a fact called neuroplasticity.
• If there is a cycle, the causes are still in place.
o To break the cycle, change the causes.
Module 5 3 / 33How do we get back on track?COURSE PAGE 4SQUARE ONE
How do we get back on track?
• It is inevitable that difficult times happen – whether they
are caused by circumstance or self-destructive behaviour.
This doesn’t mean we are failing.
o There is no such thing as being ‘off track’ in life,
because there’s no other life we’re meant to be living.
• The point of life isn’t to feel good all the time, or to be exactly where you want to be
– it’s about learning how to navigate every situation that arises.
o Each situation presents a unique opportunity to learn how to better work
with ourselves. This is the art of living.
o You can’t get rid of the ups and downs. But you can – learn to surf.
Skilfully Navigating the ‘Downs’ of Life
Sometimes we feel stuck, down, or find ourselves in a rut. These are the perfect
situations to improve our self-understanding and cultivate resilience.
The Four Pillars of Self-Reorientation
Rational
Mindfulness
Reflection
Self-
Direct action
Compassion
Module 5 4 / 33Rational Reflection (Background)COURSE PAGE 6SQUARE ONE
Rational Reflection (Background)
• Cyclical patterns are unrecognised, unconscious patterns
o Apart from being ingrained reactions to discomfort –
we repeat cycles because we don’t fully see that they
fail to remove the suffering they are responses to.
• Reflection is zooming out, and looking at our thoughts,
behaviours and situation from the outside.
o Reflection makes us aware of the root causes and
conditions driving our situation and patterns.
▪ Then, we can systematically interrupt these
causes – replacing them with actions we would
prefer, disrupting the pattern.
o It can take the form of written reflection, focused
contemplation, or dialogue with another
• Rationality is doing things which have effects we want, and not doing things
which have effects which we don’t want. That is, respecting cause and effect.
o Why would we ever not do that!? (Ask yourself this question very seriously)
▪ Deeply ingrained habits can override our best intentions, taking time to
change.
▪ Not fully thinking through the effects of certain thoughts and
behaviours in advance.
▪ Acting impulsively in response to discomfort, confusion and suffering –
lack of mindfulness.
Module 5 6 / 33Rational Reflection (Background): The Basic Reality of Cause and EffectCOURSE PAGE 7SQUARE ONE
Rational Reflection (Background)
The Basic Reality of Cause and Effect
• Nothing is without effect.
o Every action, thought, belief leads to
some effect – actively influences our
emotions and our situation in some way.
o Difficult situations are not random. They
are always the culmination of specific
cause and effect relationships.
• Since situations can be caused, they can also be
changed.
o “That which has the nature of arising has
the nature of ceasing”
o Every situation is workable. We can always
cause some amount of positive change.
o Positive change:
1. Removing causes/conditions
which have effects we don’t want
2. Adding causes/conditions which
have effects we do want.
To harness the basic reality of cause and effect, water positive seeds, and stop
watering negative seeds
The Four Steps of Rational Reflection:
1. Identify and Remove Causes and Conditions of the Difficult Situation/Pattern
2. Recall and Feel the Unwanted Effects of the Self-Destructive Actions
3. Reflect on Causes and Conditions of a Preferable Situation
4. Replace unhelpful actions with positive actions, however small.
Module 5 7 / 33Direct ActionCOURSE PAGE 21SQUARE ONE
Direct Action
One of the most powerful forms of self-compassion is direct action.
➔ Direct action is the opposite of avoidance: it is doing things which directly
address the root of your situation.
o Not things which kind of help, or are vaguely related – but the
big things you’ve been avoiding that are driving your cycles.
o Reflect: “What is the single most important thing I am
avoiding doing?”
▪ The work I’ve been putting off
▪ The difficult conversation I need to have
▪ The training I said I would do
▪ Sit alone for an hour with my feelings and breathe
▪ Forgive myself.
o Reflect: “What do I wish I was doing that I’m putting off?”
➔ Listen to the signals. Your know what you really need to do that you’re avoiding.
➔ Direct action involves encountering resistance
o Resistance is the feeling of aversion towards the thing you need or truly
want to do. Active avoidance of this feeling drives all avoidance loops.
▪ Thinking about doing an important task is uncomfortable, daunting,
and creates feelings of tightness, heaviness, and fear.
▪ Doing the task alleviates these feelings.
➔ Resistance isn’t a sign that something is wrong. It’s a sign that there’s something
to do.
o There’s nothing bad about feelings of resistance. Discomfort is not bad.
Maybe, like bad-tasting medicine and painful exercise, it can even help us?
➔ Ignoring resistance makes it grow. Addressing it makes it shrink.
o The more you think about how hard it is, the harder it feels to start. Act
instantly. Be proactive, not reactive.
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06Being Present
Lay the foundations for lifelong presence.
Observe thoughts without entanglement.
Explore meditation and mindfulness techniques.
Deepen the ability to dwell in the present moment.
FROM THE COURSE NOTES5 PREVIEW PAGES
MeditationCOURSE PAGE 9SQUARE ONE
Meditation
MEDITATION has nothing to do with running off into a cave, or starving yourself and
denying the world, or not having any thoughts or possessions. Meditation is about living
well in your daily life. It is born of compassion – the wish to reduce suffering.
• Meditation can refer to a sitting practice – something to help us build up
concentration and awareness of thoughts and their impermanence.
o But most simply, meditation just means being as we are. At any moment.
• At its core, meditation is about leaving experience as it is – not trying to get rid of
anything from it, or add anything to it.
o The essence of meditation is awareness, simply being with whatever is here,
right now. Even if what’s here is uncomfortable, allowing that.
▪ Nothing needs to change for everything to be okay in meditation.
o It doesn’t require quitting your job or running away from responsibilities.
“Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”
– Zen Proverb
• Meditation doesn’t have a point. It is being without a goal or expectations, for no
reason. Being, here, now.
o In meditation, we don’t have an agenda. We aren’t trying to do anything.
Similarly, we aren’t trying to do nothing (another agenda). We just sit.
▪ It’s not about sitting and having the goal of being without a goal.
▪ It’s also not about being without a goal in order to have some amazing
or special or liberating experience.
o ‘Meditation’ is not a destination. There’s no prize. No fireworks.
▪ We are always trying to get more out of this moment, hoping for
something in the next.
▪ But the present moment is not a tool. It doesn’t have a purpose. It’s
not to get you anywhere. It’s not for anything else. It’s just this.
• Meditation isn’t about feeling ‘good’ or removing unwanted feelings.
o In meditation, there is an equanimity and openness to all experiences.
There is no ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ experience. You can’t fail at it. It’s like listening.
o We feel discomfort and pleasure. They are both physical sensations. We
don’t regard either as problematic. We experience them simply and directly.
o Seeking a feel-good or exciting or peaceful experience in meditation is just
more high-chasing, like cocaine.
• Because it is pointless and not about control, meditation is sobriety from seeking.
Module 6 9 / 45Meditation PracticeCOURSE PAGE 10SQUARE ONE
Meditation Practice
• We are so conditioned to think all the time that we often can’t even be present
and at peace while doing everyday activities and tasks.
o We seem to constantly get lost in thought, and suffer greatly from
obsessive thoughts about the past, present and future.
• To work with our conditioning, we engage in the sitting practice of meditation.
o When we sit, it becomes clear that thoughts are an involuntary
compulsion of the mind, and that they are impermanent.
o Meditation practice is giving ourselves a break – from everything.
• Meditation practice helps us build up a mental habit of mindfulness, making
it easier to step back in situations which trigger our habitual, reactive thinking.
o Understanding that the mind is a collection of habits which can be
transformed gives us the confidence to stick to meditation practice.
• Build a morning meditation habit. You won’t be sleepy and you’ll start day well.
The Two Types of Meditation
Module 6 10 / 451.1: Using the Breath as an Object of Focus (1/3)COURSE PAGE 11SQUARE ONE
1. MEDITATION USING AN OBJECT OF FOCUS
1.1: Using the Breath as an Object of Focus (1/3)
Breathing meditation is very simple, and extremely effective for reducing stress and
anxiety, and cultivating concentration, mindful awareness, and presence.
Breathing Meditation in Three Steps:
1. Sit
2. Be aware of the breath as it is, keeping your attention on it as it flows.
3. If you notice you have been distracted, gently return your attention to the breath.
“It only takes a few seconds of mindful breathing for your body and mind to begin to come
back together again. It is very easy. You just concentrate on your in-breath and on your out-
breath. You don't think about anything else.
The past, the future, your worries, your anger, and your despair are not there anymore. Only
one thing is there: your in-breath and your out-breath.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh
Before/After Your Meditation:
• Set an intention:
o “For the duration of this meditation, I’m going to just forget about
everything else. For the next few minutes, I’m simply just being with
the breath, and nothing else exists. Everything else is just thought.”
• Use a timer:
o Start small (try for 5 minutes). Build the habit first — grow it later.
Even brief, regular practice improves mood and focus.
• Eyes can be open, closed, or gently lowered—whatever feels natural.
• Begin slowly:
o Take a few slow, deep breaths to settle before starting. Be, Here, Now.
• Afterwards:
o Don’t rush back into rushing through the day. Take a slow breath and
carry that same calm awareness into the rest of your day.
Module 6 11 / 45Breathing Meditation (2/3)COURSE PAGE 12SQUARE ONE
Breathing Meditation (2/3)
1. All we do is sit and let our attention rest on the already happening breathing.
• We can sit on a chair in our room, on a bench outside, or anywhere.
• We don’t need to keep our back rigidly straight like an ironing board so it hurts.
But we also don’t need to hunch over – that makes us sleepy and distracted.
o Just sit comfortably, upright, awake, relaxed. It’s okay to adjust.
2. The core practice is simply noticing the breath as it enters and leaves the body.
• Feel the sensations of the breath – the feeling of air entering and leaving the
nostril, the chest rising and falling, the stomach expanding and contracting.
o You don’t need to breathe in any particular kind of way. Your breathing
might be shallow, or it could be deeper, faster or slower.
▪ Whatever your breath naturally does, let it be that.
o There’s no need to control the breath — just observe its natural flow.
• The focus is on remaining mindful of our breathing, however it is. It is a kind of
gentle, sensitive noticing. Nothing too serious. It’s like listening.
3. When you realise you’ve drifted into thought, just return to the breath.
• During breathing time, all kinds of things grab our attention, and we forget
about being with our breathing.
o Thoughts about what we have to do, and stresses of the day.
o Constantly replaying memories, daydreams and mental movies.
o Sounds we hear and things we see.
o Physical sensations in the body – hunger, thirst, needing to pee, itchiness.
o “Am I present?” “Is this it?”, “I’m breathing wrong”, “I’m trying too hard”,
“I’m so distracted”, “I’m not good at this”, “What’s the point?”
• All this is just thinking. But it’s okay. It doesn’t interfere with our practice.
o Thoughts come and go all on their own. We don’t need to get rid of them.
▪ The actual practice of meditation is not to be undistracted but to
recognise if we are distracted and simply begin again.
• You notice: “that’s thinking”, and gently return to the breath – or you can
return directly to the breath without labelling anything.
o We don’t need to do anything. We are simply breathing.
o We can treat thoughts as irrelevant, almost like background noise. We
can always come back to them after meditation.
Module 6 12 / 45Breathing Meditation (3/3)COURSE PAGE 13SQUARE ONE
Breathing Meditation (3/3)
• We don’t need to fight thoughts. We don’t try to control or suppress them. And
we don’t need be addicted to thoughts either, letting them take us for a ride.
o Simply return to the breath when you recognise you are thinking.
▪ In the beginning, it takes a bit more deliberate effort, but
eventually, mindfully returning to and remaining with the breath
becomes more natural and effortless. The default state.
• Feelings also arise. They may be uncomfortable, or pleasurable. But just the
same, our focus is simply to unlabel them, and return to the breath.
“Do not fight against pain; do not fight against irritation or jealousy. Embrace them with great
tenderness, as though you were embracing a little baby. Your anger is yourself, and you
should not be violent toward it. The same thing goes for all of your emotions.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh
• By building the habit of returning to the present moment, we begin to
connect with our innate awareness.
o This creates space between ourselves and thoughts and feelings
▪ We can always mindfully breathe, at any time of day.
• Behind all the commotion of thoughts and beliefs, just noticing breathing, there
is the silent clarity of this present moment.
o This clarity never disappears, actually – we just think it does.
▪ Like clouds, thoughts come, and they go. If there are many clouds,
we might forget about the sky, and start cloud-watching. But the sky
is always there, and we can return our attention to it. It is this present
breath, direct and simple and uneventful.
▪ There is nothing wrong with thoughts any more than clouds. Thoughts
are always impermanent, and the sky of awareness is unaffected.
• The effect of this kind of meditation is cultivating space in the mind – creating
distance from passing thoughts. In this basic space, clarity naturally arises.
“Develop a mind that is vast like space, where experiences both pleasant and unpleasant can
appear and disappear without conflict, struggle or harm. Rest in a mind like the vast sky.”
– Buddha
Module 6 13 / 45
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Questions.
Who is it for?
Coaching is suited and adjusted for any age. The starting point is you, your life, and what you’d like to work on.
Mindfulness sessions are for anyone of any age or level of experience looking for mental clarity and presence.
What’s the difference between the coaching and mindfulness sessions?
Coaching focuses on your self-management skills and clarity of purpose, with practical tools and strategies. Instant mindfulness sessions focus directly on presence and awareness. The two approaches can inform one another.
Can we have a chat?
Of course. Reach out using the form below and we can go from there.